i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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