dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
