He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
