I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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