Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize