I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
