If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
