What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
