I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
