The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
