You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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