I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
