We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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