My sheets look like a crime scene.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My penis needs a shock collar
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
