yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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