My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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