Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My life is pants optional.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
