I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
