I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
