we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I booty called her while she was in labor.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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