Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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