Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
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