Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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