I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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