so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
