You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
