i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
