Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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