If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
