Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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