i don't like sucking hair
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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