Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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