Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
