when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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