i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
