at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
