Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
