I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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