So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
