Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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