Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
