looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
