is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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