U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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