Moan for me like Helen Keller
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
