I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
