Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
