I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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