He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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