This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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