i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
