remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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