I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She's the barista slut.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm having to shit out rocks
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize