I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
