I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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