sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
if i died would you start the facebook group?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
