Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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