I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
