So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
