you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
