I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
