Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
