How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
