I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
