She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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