You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
