If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
