addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
